tofuninja

Where is my life anyway? Where has it gone? Along with my happiness, it’s still in the stupid yellow moving truck.

Today will mark exactly three months since I have moved away. And let me tell you, it sucks. It’s like I’ve been living in my own worst nightmare all this time, and I can’t wake up. 

Lately I’ve been negative (I guess you could say more negative than usual). I wouldn’t say that a part of me has died. That’s slightly morbid, but it’s just that parts of me aren’t the same anymore. Before, when I reminisced about Florida, I would be overcome with nostalgia and my heart would lift slightly. Now, I would feel something kind of hollow and sad. And it would bring me down. Then I’d try to stop thinking about the good old days, because I’ll never have them again.

The ultimate new thing I have to endure is school. School is the most prominent thing in my life right now, and it probably will be for another seven years. But sadly, the three years I have left of being a child is being spent here. In an unfamiliar hell of a place. I’m probably going to spend the entire three years just trying to get used to this situation. 

My new high school is pretty diverse, and it is really large. There are times when I have to go up three flights of stairs, then go back down three flights of stairs to get to the next class. My old high school didn’t have stairs. I didn’t know how much I appreciated that until this year.

What can I say about my new life? I hate it. And no, it’s not the fake hatred of my middle school. I think it’s pure hate. People are so…uniform here. And they don’t even require students to wear uniforms. I don’t see how girls here manage to dress the same every single day. Every girl has Uggs. Every girl goes to Hollister. Even on spirit week they dressed the same, and not just twin day either. 

I don’t know, I would do anything to move back home. Anything at all. I miss my house. I miss my school, my friends, my drama club. I miss people getting my sense of humor. I miss waking up and looking forward to the new day. I miss it all. If I could turn back time and prevent us from moving, I really would. Slash the tires of the moving truck, give out a petition for people to sign, anything. I just want my old life back.

I remember my room vividly. My bed, set in pale green with black and white flowers, sat next to my window, which was adorned with a curtain of green beads. To the right of the bed was my tried and true white desk, marred with stains of the memories of old paintings and magic markers. The desk was decorated with a collection of old treasures I’ve saved over the years. All of those treasures are in their own separate box in my closet now, waiting to be let out. On the wall, my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows poster, looking over my desk. Next to my closet were three other posters. Peas on Earth, A Bug’s Life (a green VW Beetle), and The Beatles Abbey Road. But the main showcase of the room was the CD wall I worked on for three hours one happy Saturday afternoon. That CD wall was what made my room mine. And it’s gone. All of it is gone.

What is “home?” I don’t have a home anymore! The only home I’ve ever known was my home in Florida, and that’s 700+ miles away. Here, in Maryland, we do have a house. It’s a house, but it will never be my home. It feels so unreal. Just a couple weeks ago I was waking up to the dim glow of the morning against the walls of my room and the sounds of…home! I’ll never have home again. And that’s what scares me the most.